A dinner to remember...(Hint: It included my coparent)
A dinner to remember….
On April 20, 2019, the night before Easter Sunday, I had one of the best meals of my life. It wasn’t fancy. It was spaghetti, salad, rolls, and a homemade blueberry pie. Our daughter’s favorite meal. But this meal was different because of the people sitting at the table who gave me the gift of redemption, healing, and hope. Getting to this night took seven years of my own hard work and healing. I set the table and invited to dinner: my coparent (my ex-husband), his parents (my former in-laws), my coparent’s girlfriend (who he eventually married), my boyfriend (who I eventually married), our pregnant oldest daughter, our son-in-law, and our two daughters.
It had been 7 years since my coparent and I were married and we sat at this table as husband and wife. I never thought a dinner like this was possible, but in 7 years things have changed between my coparent and me. Our three daughters were always the catalyst to try and take the high road, which we had to practice with each other often as we were moving through the divorce process. And sometimes we failed. But, making sure we are on the same page with raising them has been important to us. It has not always been easy, but both of us have learned how to be patient and listen to the other person instead of reacting out of anger, hurt or fear.
This meal would never have happened without the following foundations being laid:
1) A coparent who is concerned with the well-being of our daughters more than his desire to be right.
2) Both my coparent and I have chosen to date people that are not threatened by this interaction. Rather they promoted these times together, engaged with us, and supported us as we care for our girls together.
3) Both my coparent and I have parents that did not speak badly of each other. Rather they asked our girls how their other parent was doing, shared loving memories with the girls, and genuinely shared their fondness of our ex-spouses. Credit also goes to our parents who never stopped loving their kids or the spouses they chose to marry or divorce. This is huge! The grandparents also love and respect each other.
4) Our daughter was pregnant at the time with our grandson. Knowing our grandson was coming inspired me to embrace healing and build bridges. I want our grandson to know ONE family that loves him—not a splintered, fractured, hurt family that creates confusion for him. I want him to know that love wins. I want him to feel entirely loved.
5) Also, I have surrounded myself with a group of friends that will never let me settle in bitterness. They challenge me to keep moving forward. My community of friends have loved our family fiercely through the pain, bitterness, hurt, chaos, and the transition to divorce. They encouraged, challenged, prayed, and loved us and our daughters well thru it all.
6) Finally, the most credit of all goes to our shared faith given to us by our parents and shared by everyone at the table. Because of our faith, we have always been challenged to forgive. To let go and let God. And To love.
That night I sat at my table and realized after 7 years.... of
tears, so many tears…
frustration,
anger,
sleepless nights,
and prayers after prayers...
That I now have:
3 beautiful daughters (the WHOLE REASON WHY I keep choosing forgiveness over bitterness)
1 wonderful new man
1 grandson on the way
1 coparent I will always cherish
1 new friend (his girlfriend) that adores my girls
2 in-laws who I will always love
2 parents who taught me how to do even consider doing THIS
AND... that I am better because of it all.
Healing is a process. It took me a while to get to that table, but it was worth the work, and I can’t wait for another dinner with all of my people.
Note: Two months after this meal my mother had a massive stroke and my father’s health deteriorated. I am so glad that we took the time to set the table and invited everyone to come. Since then my daughters have wanted all of their birthdays celebrated in this way by including their “whole family”. This year after celebrating our oldest daughter’s birthday, my new husband and I received a beautiful hand-written letter in the mail from my coparent’s parents thanking us for another lovely evening and including them as family.
For those of you that think this could never be possible with your family, I would say be patient, do your own work, and keep trying to “set your table”. What we modeled that night together for our children was how to step into difficult places and how beauty can come from sorrow. I believe it is fitting that we celebrated the night before Easter. This holiday always reminds me of redemption and hope. That night as I looked around my table, I felt healed. There was hope. New things were being created and our daughters were our witnesses.
If you are frustrated in your co-parenting relationship and not sure how to move forward, co-parenting counseling with me can help! Please email us at hello@sparrowcounsel.com or call us at 205-538-3978. Sara Hadgraft, the owner of Sparrow Counseling, is an M.Ed, LMFT, LPC, NCC, Certified Parenting Coordinator, Divorce and Family Mediator (Domestic Violence Trained) has a private practice called Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL. She specializes in Parenting Coordination, Co-Parenting Counseling and Divorce and Family Mediation. Her passion is helping parents learn how to become successful coparents, so their children can thrive after their divorce. Contact Sparrow Counseling if you are interested in getting help at hello@sparrowcounsel.com.