The 5 W’s of Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
At Sparrow Counseling, located in Birmingham, AL, we often get questions from parents who have made the decision to move forward with divorce regarding telling their children. They don’t know where to start, how to approach the subject, or what to say. They are working to process their own feelings and emotions and need a little guidance. We want to help make that process a little easier with:
Who should tell the children about the divorce?
Parents often wonder who should be present when telling their children about divorce. They ask if they should have a counselor present. We tell them it should be the children and their parents only. We believe that parents should work together to come up with a shared narrative to tell the children. Both parents will have different perspectives about the “Truth” and should recognize that the Truth is somewhere in the middle. It should not be left in the children’s hands to be a Judge and figure out who is “right” and who is “wrong”. If parents have a shared narrative that allows children to be able to continue being children without worrying about being put in the middle of the parent’s conflict. Also, adding an outsider into the conversation can add a layer of confusion to an already difficult situation. It can also make the children feel like the news is extra scary if their parents don’t feel like they can have the conversation as a family. It is important for the children to hear the information from their parents and doing so together can lay a foundation for a positive co-parenting relationship.
What should you tell your children about your divorce?
Parents want to know what they should tell their children. We know it can be difficult if one parent feels the other is to blame or has wronged them in some way. It is important to not involve those feelings in the conversation. Your children do not need to know the details of your relationship issues. Keep the information clear and age appropriate. You may explain to a 5-year-old that mommy and daddy won’t be living together anymore, but they both still love them very much. They will continue to see both parents, the biggest change is they will have two houses now. If you have a 15-year-old, you will talk to them in a more mature way, explaining you have decided a divorce is best for your family to allow everyone to thrive and be happy. At that age, they can begin to grasp their parents’ need to take care of themselves and their well-being, even if it is difficult to accept.
Where should you tell your children about your divorce?
Another question parents ask is where they should tell their children about their divorce. Should they take them to a counselor to tell them? Should they go out and have a fun day to help ease the hardship? We believe the best place to tell them is at home, where they are comfortable and private. They need the comfort of their surroundings and the familiar to provide a feeling of safety and security. They will most likely ask questions, or they may want to go to their rooms to have time to process. Feeling comfortable in their home is the best for them at that time. We also encourage parents to go out to do something as a family after they tell their children, like going to get ice cream or something. This shows the children that even though mom and dad are divorcing we will still continue to be a family.
When should you tell your children about your divorce?
Once the decision to divorce has been made, parents must decide when to tell their children. There is often concern from the parents on when the right time to tell them is. Remember, children are observant and more aware than we often realize. There is a great likelihood that your children know something is going on between you and your spouse. If you have decided to divorce, talk to your children as soon as you feel you can get through the conversation and support them as well as have some sort of plan. Children will want to know how their life is going to change. For example, where will they live, will they stay at the same school, will daddy still pick me up from dance, etc. Don’t talk to them when you are at your most emotional point, as that will make them worry about you and feel like they need to take care of you. When you talk to your children, it needs to be about them and to show them that their parents will continue to do what is best for them, even after divorce.
Why should you tell the children about your divorce?
The reason for telling your children about your divorce seems fairly obvious, as most people will say something like “they will know when their parents are no longer together,” or a simple, “because you have to tell them.” There is so much more to it than that. Telling your children about your divorce is important because it allows the family to have open conversations during a difficult time. It allows your children to feel like they can ask questions. It provides an opportunity for your children to see how their parents handle difficult times, and to know it is normal to grieve and be sad, but there are ways to cope in those times and move forward. Telling your children about your divorce without blame and a shared narrative is the first step to laying a good foundation for a successful co-parenting relationship.
If you have talked to your children about your divorce and you feel like they are struggling, please call us at 205-538-3978. Our child and teen therapists would be a great asset to your children and family!
If you would like to learn more about Co-Parenting Counseling and how to support your children in this new stage of life, visit our Co-Parenting service page.
Read these blogs for more information:
9 Thoughts about How to Talk to Kids about Divorce
10 Tips for Coparents from a Coparenting Counselor
What is coparenting? What isn't coparenting? Help!