Should we do Pre-engagement or Pre-marital counseling? We think pre-engagement counseling!
Remember the movie “Runaway Bride”? Released in 1999, Julia Roberts and Richard Gere team up to tell the story of a woman too scared of commitment. She leaves the grooms at the altar over and over again. In our culture, the idea of being “left at the altar” brings with it...shame. How could you not keep this person enraptured in your love? Making the person left at the altar feeling powerless and rejected. The person that has the “courage” to leave because the relationship does not meet their expectations is thought of as the strong, scared, broken type. Lots of contradictions in feelings. Let’s face it- our culture has created many expectations about how successful engagements and marriages should look and how you should feel in them. There is very little room for the messy middle where couples are left disappointed with each other and trying to figure out ways to share how they really feel.
Many couples choose to do pre-marital counseling as a way to deal with issues that may arise in their marriage. My preference as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, though, is pre-engagement counseling. I think pre-engagement counseling makes so much more sense. Couples that want to take the next step in their commitment level will often get engaged. This step can bring about the whirlwind of planning a wedding and little is leftover thinking about creating a life together. Many aspects of their relationship can often get overlooked or missed because they are so busy in wedding planning mode. Here are 3 reasons why I think couples should do pre-engagement counseling:
Pre-engagement counseling prevents feelings of shame if you decide not to go through with the marriage.
Shame can often make people feel unworthy, defective, and even damaged beyond repair. A broken engagement can create some serious shame in both parties. Once a couple is engaged expectations can often skyrocket. Dreaming begins of “THE” perfect life together. Talk to many happily married couples and they would tell you their marriage is not marital bliss during certain seasons. Little thought can go into how to manage these expectations. Also, couples who already start down the path of telling family and friends and begin planning a wedding are setting up expectations for not only them but their “people” as well. These expectations can prevent couples from really taking an honest look at their relationship. Think about it: if the date is set, the deposit is down on the venue, the cake is purchased and the photographer is reserved, how likely is a couple willing to break their engagement off if they really begin to see they are not a great match? Both parties may feel the need to stay in the relationship since all of these expectations are in place so they do not disappoint those they love or feel the shame of ending their relationship.
2. Allows for deep, honest discussions about your relationship
When doing pre-engagement counseling, I believe couples can be more open and honest since they do not have the pressure of coming through for each other on the day of their wedding. These discussions allow for open, honest discussion rather than checking a box by saying they did pre-marital counseling. Pre-engagement counseling allows for more margin for couples to ask harder questions for each other as well as share deeper parts of themselves.
3. We have tools that can help!
In 6-12 sessions, I believe couples can get a thorough assessment of their relationships strengths and growth areas. At Sparrow Counseling, we are trained to use the Prepare-Enrich assessment. This test is given to pre-engaged, pre-marital, married, or blended families. It has been around since 1977 and just keeps getting more and more thorough. More than 4,000,000 couples have used this assessment. Each person takes the test individually and the counselor then receives a report about areas to work on with the couple. This test covers areas such as relationship dynamics, commitment levels, personality, finances, spiritual beliefs, and family of origin systems. This assessment gives a counselor lots of objective material to help couples as they navigate the next step of their relationship. Something we appreciate about this test is that it reveals the couple’s strengths as well as their “growth” areas. We appreciate that the assessment does not discuss the couple’s weaknesses. And this is the sweet spot that we think pre-engagement counseling and the tool of the Prepare and Enrich assessment can give couples an objective view of their relationship and areas they may need to grow in before getting engaged.
If you are wondering if pre-engagement or pre-marital counseling can help your relationship, feel free to email us at hello@sparrowcounsel.com or call at 205-538-3978 for a free 15-minute consultation to see how we can help.
Sara Hadgraft, the owner of Sparrow Counseling, is an M.Ed, LMFT, LPC, NCC, Certified Parenting Coordinator, Divorce and Family Mediator (Domestic Violence Trained) has a private practice called Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL. She specializes in Parenting Coordination, Co-Parenting Counseling, and Divorce and Family Mediation. Her passion is helping parents learn how to become successful coparents, so their children can thrive after their divorce. Contact Sparrow Counseling if you are interested in getting help at hello@sparrowcounsel.com.