I’m Over It: How Unprocessed Grief Can Harm Your Relationships
Most people don’t want to experience hard emotions, much less relive the past. I mean, why would you? Most of us think that when the past is over, it’s OVER. Our emotions are history along with the experiences we went through. But are they?
Our brains have a pretty smart way of handling pain. We shut down our logical senses, and fight, flee, freeze, or FORGET about it. But what happens to those emotions that we shut down? As much as it may pain us to dig up the feelings from the abyss our brains may have put them in, it may be the key to our flourishing, as well as our relationships.
At Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL we know grief can unknowingly live in the body for years. It takes work to go back to those hard memories and allow us to mourn those losses. In relationships, our core memories and experiences define how we see things. Because of this, unprocessed grief can lead to repeating coping skills that have been present for a long time like how we communicate, how we behave, and how emotionally available we are with others.
So where is this unprocessed grief? How do you know if you have it? Here are a few signs that it may be showing up in your relationship:
Sudden angry outbursts at your partner; Excessive reflection; constant negativity; Being easily triggered or having extremely intense emotional reactions towards your partner; Recurring or long-lasting depression; Chronic anxiety; Caretaking behavior towards your partner; Extreme guilt; Emotional numbness; Shame; Codependency
If you are seeing these show up regularly in your relationship, it may not be your partner causing the feelings, it may be something from long ago that needs to be allowed to take up some current space in your mind and heart.
Here are some helpful ways to begin to allow the feelings to be drawn out and begin the healing process:
Non-judgment
When you feel emotionally triggered and tempted to turn to your old coping mechanisms for comfort, (defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, etc.), try not to judge the reaction at first. Our bodies are programmed to seek pleasure, not discomfort, so it’s natural to try and find something to soothe the pain and make yourself feel better. These patterns have happened due to you being human and them meeting the need for you to protect yourself from pain at some point along the way. You did the best with what you could at the time, so allow space for yourself to see the pain without any judgment.
Permission
Give yourself permission to feel—you have to feel it to heal it.
Most of those yucky emotions are swept under the rug because we believe the feeling we are having isn’t allowed. We think we’re not allowed to be angry or we’re supposed to be strong, so we can’t cry.
By giving yourself permission to feel, you are actually gaining some power over it. You control it instead of it controlling you. It may be extremely uncomfortable initially but allow yourself to witness them without judgment or reaction. This will allow you to respond objectively. Feelings aren’t forever. They come and go if you let them.
Release
Now that you’ve allowed yourself to feel, it’s time to release the emotion from your body.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all way to release. There will be times when moving your body helps, and other times singing, sobbing, or writing will feel more effective. Choose the method that feels best to you at the moment.
Forgiveness
Forgiving yourself is the key to healing.
Understand that no matter what situation(s) led you to numb yourself with your self-soothing mechanism of choice, you did the best you could with the information you had on a physical, mental, and emotional level. You dealt with your emotions in the best way that you knew how.
Time
We live in a quick-fix culture, and when it comes to hard emotions, we want it to be a ‘one and done’. Grieving losses takes time. Shutting the emotions off and sweeping them away only prolongs the healing process. It may be slow, but growing and healing through processing emotions as they come is the key to finding your way out of old patterns and into new hope.
Share
Lastly, sharing your journey of grief with your partner can be extremely helpful in creating an empathetic environment. Your partner may have no idea why their statement about you not taking out the trash made you incredibly defensive! Allowing your partner to experience the grief you are processing may give them helpful insight into how to be sensitive to you during this time, and how to communicate with you on a level that guides both of you back to a place of connection, rather than down a repetitive negative spiral towards disconnection.
So, are you really ‘Over it’?
Give yourself the chance to really heal, and your relationship a chance to do the same.
If it feels overwhelming to dig up these feelings on your own, it is always a great idea to seek out professional help. At Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham AL, we want to walk with you through your grief. Our professional grief counselors will help guide you slowly through the grief, allowing you a safe space to process the hard emotions. Doing this as a couple can be an even more effective way of cultivating growth and change in your relationship. To get started with Sparrow Counseling in Alabama, follow these three simple steps:
Reach out to Sparrow Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation
Begin healing your unprocessed grief with support.
Other Services Offered at Sparrow Counseling
At Sparrow Counseling we understand you may be struggling with more than one mental health issue. To support you, our practice offers both in-person therapies in Birmingham, AL, and online therapy in Alabama. Our skilled team specializes in co-parenting counseling, reunification therapy, blended family counseling, divorce & family mediation, discernment counseling, individual counseling, and more in Birmingham, Alabama. Learn more by checking out our FAQs and Blog!