Intentional Intimacy: Why Sex Deserves a Place on Your Calendar
At Sparrow Counseling, one of the topics we often explore with couples is sexual intimacy—and more specifically, how to make space for it in the middle of busy, demanding lives. When we suggest scheduling sex, we usually get the same reaction: a nervous laugh or a raised eyebrow, followed by something along the lines of, “That doesn’t sound very sexy.”
We get it. The idea of putting sex on the calendar can feel clinical or forced. But here’s what we want you to consider: you probably used to schedule sex all the time, and it worked.
Remember When You Were Dating?
Before couples move in together or get married, intimacy often unfolds around intentional time. You’d set a date, dress up, go out, share meaningful conversation, and return home feeling connected. Physical intimacy usually followed, and no one called it “scheduling sex.” But that’s exactly what it was. You carved out space for one another. You planned for connection.
Somewhere along the way, when kids, careers, or daily routines take over, that intentionality often disappears. Spontaneity becomes harder to come by, and intimacy can start to feel like one more thing on the to-do list.
That’s why scheduling sex can be such a helpful tool—not as a chore, but as a choice to prioritize your relationship.
Why Scheduling Sex Actually Works
Rather than taking the spark out of intimacy, scheduling can reduce stress and increase connection. Here’s how:
1. It removes the pressure of initiation.
For the partner who feels like they’re always the one initiating, scheduled intimacy levels the playing field. It creates a shared plan rather than a constant guessing game.
2. It eases rejection anxiety.
For the partner who tends to say “not tonight,” it takes away the guilt and awkwardness of saying no in the moment. When you know there’s a plan in place, it’s easier to relax and enjoy the connection without feeling on edge.
3. It encourages non-sexual intimacy.
Not every scheduled time has to end in sex. In fact, one of the best things about setting time aside is that it opens the door to emotional closeness, physical affection, and quality time, whether or not sex happens. And when it does, it tends to feel more intentional and fulfilling.
4. It builds anticipation.
Far from being unromantic, scheduled intimacy gives you something to look forward to. You can flirt, plan, and build energy toward that time, just like you did when you were dating.
Reframing the Narrative Around Scheduling
When we think of scheduling sex as “unsexy,” we’re often relying on unrealistic ideas from movies or media, where passion is always spontaneous and effortless. But real relationships—especially long-term ones—require intention. Planning time for sex doesn’t make it less meaningful. It makes it more likely to happen, and more connected when it does.
Scheduling isn’t a sign that something is wrong in your relationship. It’s a sign that you care enough to invest in your relationship. Just like you schedule date nights, vacations, or important conversations, sex deserves a space in your shared life rhythm too.
A Simple Tip to Start
You don’t have to overcomplicate it. Start by agreeing on a time each week that works for both of you—maybe after the kids go to bed on Saturday, or during your lunch break when you both work from home. Make it fun. Light a candle. Put your phones away. And most importantly, talk about what works and what doesn’t, so it becomes something you look forward to, not something you dread.
Interested in Talking to a Sex Therapist in Birmingham, AL?
If sex feels like a source of tension—or if you’re simply looking to build more intentional intimacy—we’re here to help. At Sparrow Counseling, our therapists specialize in working with couples around communication, sexual connection, and relational growth.
Whether you’ve been together for two years or twenty, it’s never too late to learn new ways to support and enjoy one another. To get started, follow these three simple steps:
Reach out to Sparrow Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation.
Be matched with a caring, experienced sex therapist.
Let’s talk about what’s possible for your relationship.
Other Services Offered at Sparrow Counseling
At Sparrow Counseling, we offer in-person and online therapy in the state of Alabama. In addition to couples counseling, our team specializes in couples intensives, marriage counseling, discernment counseling, family therapy, divorce & family mediation, coparenting counseling, and more in Birmingham, Alabama. Learn more by checking out our FAQs and Blog!
