When Anxiety Looks Like Defiance: Supporting Your Child, Preteen, or Teen Through Overwhelm
If you’re a parent feeling stuck right now, you’re not alone. Many families reach out to Sparrow Counseling because they’re seeing anxiety show up in ways they didn’t expect. Their child is worried, overwhelmed, or on edge, and instead of coming to you for comfort, their feelings come out sideways: frustration, defiance, irritability, shutdown, or frequent conflict at home.
Sometimes it shows up at school first. Maybe you’re getting calls from teachers or administrators. Maybe you’re hearing words like “refusing,” “disruptive,” “unmotivated,” or “not turning in work.” And you’re left wondering: Is this normal? Is something deeper going on? What do we do next?
At Sparrow Counseling, we work with children, preteens, teens, and parents who are trying to make sense of big feelings in a high-pressure world. And we want you to hear this clearly: anxiety doesn’t always look like fear. Often, it looks like a child who is struggling to cope.
Why Anxiety Often Comes Out as Anger or Defiance
When kids and teens feel anxious, their nervous system goes into overdrive. Their brain is scanning for threat: social pressure, academic stress, performance expectations, fear of failure, conflict with peers, or feeling like they’re falling behind. Even if nothing “bad” is happening in the moment, their body may be stuck in survival mode.
For many kids, that survival mode doesn’t sound like “I’m anxious.” It sounds like:
“Leave me alone.”
“This is stupid.”
“You can’t make me.”
Silence, avoidance, or refusal to talk
Eye rolls, yelling, arguing, door slamming
This can be confusing for parents because it looks like disrespect or laziness when it’s often a dysregulated stress response. That doesn’t mean boundaries don’t matter; they do. But when we only respond with punishment or lectures, we can miss the underlying need: help regulating, help understanding, and help feeling safe again.
The School Piece: When Calls Home Add to the Stress
School stress can be relentless, especially for preteens and teens. Academic demands, social dynamics, extracurricular expectations, and constant evaluation (grades, sports performance, social standing) can create a perfect storm.
One helpful piece of therapy is bridging the communication gap between home and school. When a school calls, parents often feel alarmed, embarrassed, or powerless. At Sparrow Counseling, we understand the school environment and the language educators use, because our team has deep experience working in school systems. That matters because it helps us translate what’s happening and create a plan that makes sense for your child and your family.
Sometimes, school calls point to anxiety. Sometimes they point to executive functioning struggles. Sometimes they point to ADHD, emotional regulation difficulties, or a mismatch between your child’s capacity and what’s being asked of them right now. The goal isn’t to blame the school or blame your child; the goal is to understand what’s underneath the behavior and respond with clarity.
The “Complex Landscape” Kids Are Navigating Now
Many parents tell us, “This wasn’t what middle school (or high school) felt like when I was growing up.” And they’re right.
Kids today are navigating:
constant comparison and performance pressure
shifting friendships and peer dynamics
heavy academic loads and packed schedules
overstimulation, screen time, and reduced downtime
stress about identity, belonging, and “getting it right”
big emotions they don’t know how to name
Even the most capable kids can start to crumble when stress piles up without the tools to manage it. Therapy helps them slow down, build emotional vocabulary, and learn skills for navigating pressure without exploding, shutting down, or melting into shame.
What Therapy Can Look Like (For Kids and Parents)
When your child is struggling, it impacts the whole household. Parenting becomes exhausting. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells or constantly in conflict. You may be second-guessing yourself: Am I too strict? Too soft? Missing something?
Therapy isn’t just about “fixing behavior.” It’s about helping your child (and you) understand what’s happening and what to do next.
In counseling, we often focus on:
Emotional regulation: recognizing signals in the body and learning strategies to calm down
Anxiety support: identifying worry patterns and building coping tools that actually work
Executive functioning: organization, planning, follow-through, and reducing overwhelm
Communication skills: helping kids express what they feel without conflict or shutdown
Parent support: helping you respond with steadiness, clarity, and confidence
School-related stress: improving coping strategies around grades, friendships, and pressure
Sometimes we meet with the child. Sometimes we meet with parents. Often it’s a combination, because supporting kids well includes supporting the system around them.
If You’re a Parent Who Doesn’t Know What to Do Next
If you’ve been feeling stuck, getting calls from school, seeing anxiety show up as anger, watching your child unravel in ways that don’t make sense, you don’t have to figure this out alone.
Support can help your child feel more grounded, and it can help you feel more confident in how you respond.
Ready to Get Started?
If your child, preteen, or teen is struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, emotional outbursts, or school-related stress, Sparrow Counseling is here to help. To get started, follow these three simple steps:
Reach out to Sparrow Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation.
Learn more about our caring, experienced counselors in Birmingham, AL.
Help your child build tools for calm, confidence, and resilience; one step at a time.
Other Services Offered at Sparrow Counseling
At Sparrow Counseling, we offer in-person and online therapy in the state of Alabama. In addition to teen and preteen counseling, our team specializes in family therapy, co-parenting counseling, blended family counseling, couples retreats, premarital counseling and pre-engagement counseling, discernment counseling, and more in Birmingham, Alabama. Learn more by checking out our FAQs and Blog!
Written by Sha Wortman, LPC, a therapist with more than 20 years of experience supporting teens, pre-teens, and their families through seasons of anxiety, overwhelm, and transition. Sha creates a calm, safe space where young people can breathe, open up, and learn skills for confidence, emotional regulation, and long-term wellbeing. Her work blends clinical expertise with real-life understanding of what today’s teens truly need.
